Ok, people. Ever since I first saw the film Eight Legged Freaks on a cheap DVD I bought from a second hand games and movie shop I knew I would one day have to write about it. This has been a long time coming but now that time has come. I am going to show the world why this 2002 B-movie wannabe that is utterly terrible is actually fantastic. Here we go.
If you are unfamiliar with the film Eight Legged Freaks FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WATCH IT. I truly believe that it’s cinematic gold. First let me give you a little explanation as to what it is.
Spiders get fed crickets contaminated with toxic waste and grow huge and eat people in a rural American town.
And it’s glorious. The spiders come from an exotic spider farm (yeah) that is run by a strange elderly man that has a long time friendship with an innocent young boy. The mother of said boy (who also happens to be the sheriff of the town) is somewhat uncomfortable with her son hanging out with a spider obsessed loner who’s only friend is less than half his age but not really bothered enough to do anything about it. Now the spiders that creepy spider man look after start growing bigger thanks to a spilled barrel of toxic waste which creepy spider man doesn’t see as a problem until they attack and eat him and his parrot (oh yeah he has a parrot).
As this is going on a mysterious stranger played by David Arquette (exquisite casting by the way; it was a bold move to choose someone who can’t act as the lead) arrives and reveals he’s the local gold mine owner’s prodigal son, returned from “the city” who wants to reopen the gold mine and bring fortune back to the town. Everyone think’s he’s crazy as the mine ran dry and the town has been struggling ever since. The mayor (who might be my favourite character) has come up with crazy schemes to help save the town like opening a giant mall (that no one goes to) and an ostrich farm because ostriches have very low-fat but tasty meat, however these schemes have just lead the town to further ruin.
Does it sound like a fever dream yet? Because it should.
So as well as this guy turning up to open the mine he also still has the hots for Sheriff Mom. And boy, the acting in their scenes is… not there. Anyway it goes back to the spider obsessed kid going off to see his peadoph- I mean older gentlemen friend, but finds his whole exotic spider farm covered in webs and then follows the giant spider’s tracks out the back door and into a mine entrance! :O He also finds a giant shed spider leg. :O Of course, because he’s a mere child, everyone ignores his dire warnings of giant spiders living in the mines. Lots of other shit happens that I could spend forever describing and then the good stuff starts up! Spider attacks! Weirdly in this film they (at least the weird little boy who loves spiders) calls them “Arac Attacks!” which is the stupidest thing in the world. Except maybe Unobtanium. Anyway…
All of the spider attacks in this film are gold. The CGI does not really stand up, the models are pretty good (I mean it’s good they used models at all) and it’s all ridiculous but I’ve yet to see a stupid B-movie (or in this case B-movie homage) create such inventive monster attacks. At one point a giant tarantula tips over the caravan of the local crazy conspiracy theorist radio host who also acts a bit like a narrator for the film. Yeah this movie is hard to accurately explain to someone that hasn’t seen it. But back to the spiders, at another point all the ostriches in the failed ostrich farm get eaten by trap door spiders as well as a load of towns folk trying to run to their cars in what is actually a genuinely disturbing scene. At another point it’s discovered that the spiders have been collecting people, paralysing them, wrapping them up in web and keeping them in a larder in the mines. I mean it is just horrible. There is one spider attack though that I feel needs special attention and really that sums up this whole film and why I think everyone should watch it.
So the set-up. Scarlett Johansson (who is also in this movie by the way and it’s very funny) plays the spider obsessed kid’s older sister who just wants to hang out with boys and be independent and ohmygodshutupmom! She has a boyfriend, who is an irredeemable dickhead that in the end is redeemed, and he just LOVES to go dirt biking because he’s a cool guy with spiked up hair and he’s RADICAL! He also attempts to sexually assault Scarlett Johansson who tasers him in the dick and makes him piss himself. Yeah. Then shortly after she storms off, annoyed that her mom was right about him, he starts getting chased by giant jumping spiders. Yes. He goes to warn his bros about the killer spiders but they just make fun of him for pissing himself until they start getting HORRIFICALLY MAULED BY GIANT SPIDERS. What follows is an inexplicable chase scene where giant jumping spiders attempt to kill and eat dirt bikers. It’s horrific. The dick boyfriend is watching his friends get ripped from their bikes and punctured and torn by gigantic fangs, he is terrified. Death is on his heels. What did they choose to have to accompany this harrowing fight to live? Rip roaring x-treme guitar music. The dissonance is astounding. It’s like watching a documentary about the Somme with a soundtrack by the Cheeky Girls. It’s so inappropriate. Don’t believe me? Watch for yourself:
Is that not the weirdest chase sequence in history. The guy manages to trick the spiders into crashing a gasoline truck which both takes out the town’s phone line (which is an important thing to have if you’re being attacked by giant spiders) and horribly kills an innocent truck driver. Our hero responds to the devastation and death he’s caused by fist pumping. Also I completely forgot to mention the spiders make noise in this film. I swear to god at some point one swings down a zip line and goes “Wheeeeee!” This film is astonishing.
This film never really knows what it’s supposed to be. Is it a comedy? Is it a monster B-movie? Is it a parody of a B-movie? Is it straight up horror? Is it a silly family movie? Who knows!
It has stupid slapstick, a love story, chase sequences, a “man returns to town after absence and takes on corruption” story, it has a teenage rebellion story and it also has scenes like this:
Do you know how this happens? This guy has to unblock a water pipe so tries to suck the blockage out and it goes directly into his mouth and then it’s revealed the blockage was spiders and they pour out his mouth. That’s fucking horrific! Why is that in a kids movie?! Is this a kid’s movie?! I don’t know and neither does anyone else! Another scene has an old man in a camping shop looking out for spiders and a tent is shown following behind him, stopping every time he turns around like a fucking pantomime. Want to know how it ends? The old man is killed by the giant killer spider that was hiding in the tent playing Scooby Doo with him. I mean what the fuck? Who ends a slapstick joke with a mauling?
In short, this film is such a cluster fuck of ideas and styles and it all clashes so badly that I truly believe it transcends and should be classed as high art. This film will challenge all your preconceptions of how a film should behave.
