Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I always leave it to the last minute? Every time. I've had weeks to do this and I didn't do shit. Fuck. I'm screwed. I'm so screwed. I'm never going to pass this. What the hell is an integer? Fuck. Shit. Ok. Ok.
"God? I... Listen, I really have to pass this maths test. Like, I really really need to pass it. Please. Help. Errrrr... Amen?"
The room exploded with a bright shining light. The air vibrated with the blowing of a seemingly infinte number of trumpets, rattling the window panes and shaking his pencil off the desk. As the trumpets died away, a great booming voice came out of that great shining light.
MY CHILD. I HAVE HEARD YOUR PLEA. I, YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER, HAVE COME UNTO YOU TO BLESS YOU WITH THE KNOWLEDGE YOU SEEK SO THAT YOU MAY PASS YOUR MATHS TEST TOMORROW.
"Oh my God!"
YES.
"Sorry, I mean... wow. Ok... Errr... You're God."
YES, I AM.
"This is incredible. I'm speaking with God..."
FROM THE THRONE OF HEAVEN I HEARD YOUR LAMENTS MY SON AND I HAVE NOW COME TO YOUR AID SO THAT YOU CAN GET AT LEAST A 50% WHICH WOULD BE A PASSING GRADE.
"This is incredible! Oh... blessed... father, I... err... beseech thee..."
YOU CAN JUST TALK NORMALLY IT'S FINE. ALSO LIKE I SAID I ALREADY KNOW YOU NEED HELP WITH THE MATHS TEST. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
"Ah yeah great. Ok. Cool. Wow. I'm still kind of amazed like... that praying thing was kind of a last ditch sort of... desperate thing."
YEAH IT USUALLY IS THESE DAYS...
"So... You're going to help me with the maths test?"
YES.
"This is amazing! Yeah... Um... But wait... Aren't you supposed to be kind of busy right now?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
"Well... It's just... On the news... Isn't there a famine going on right now? It was in... I don't remember now but there were loads of people dying and suffering and that..."
I DON'T...
"Well it's just that... with you being God, shouldn't you be dealing with that and not... my maths test?"
URRRM... WELL... YA SEE... I KIND OF MOVE IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS...
"What? That sounds kind of... bullshit."
NO IT ISN'T. UM... I COULD TOTALLY FIX THAT FAMINE.
"Then why haven't you?"
BECAUSE... OK LOOK, I'LL LEVEL WITH YOU. I... CAN'T. I KNOW, I KNOW EVERYONE GOES AROUND SAYING I'M OMNIPOTENT AND CAN DO ANYTHING BUT YA SEE... THINGS GOT A BIT OUT OF HAND A COUPLE OF THOUSAND YEARS AGO AND SORT OF... SNOWBALLED. I REALLY DIDN'T INTEND...
"You're not omnipotent?"
HEY, LISTEN, I CAN DO A LOT OF STUFF RIGHT. LIKE, I CAN DO LOADS OF REALLY COOL STUFF BUT, LIKE, FAMINES AND VOLCANOES AND WARS AND DISEASES AND STUFF? THAT'S KIND OF NOT IN MY PURVIEW.
"But... you're God. Not in your purview? So are there other gods that deal with that stuff?"
UMMM... NO. JUST ME. SORRY ABOUT THAT. I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT MATHS TEST THOUGH.
"So you're the God of Maths Tests?"
NO, ACTUALLY I CAN DO LOTS OF STUFF LIKE I SAID. MATHS TESTS...
"Yeah you've said that one."
DON'T INTERRUPT. SO YEAH, MATHS TESTS BUT ALSO GETTING CAKE RECIPES RIGHT, DRIVING TESTS, WAKING UP ON TIME, FINDING YOUR KEYS, EXTENDING A PHONES BATTERY LIFE BY A FEW SECONDS SO YOU HAVE TIME TO FIND THE CHARGER...
"What the fuck?"
WHAT?
"It's just... That seems pretty... low tier."
OH I SEE. SO YOU'RE SO DESPERATE FOR HELP YOU'LL CALL OUT TO A DEITY BUT WHEN THAT DEITY SHOWS UP YOU JUST DISRESPECT AND TRASH TALK THEM? NICE BRO. REAL NICE. YA KNOW WHAT? I DON'T NEED TO STAND FOR THIS.
"Oh so you're all in a huff now? Some god you are..."
THAT'S IT. SCREW YOU.
A hand of pure solidified light reached down, picked up the pencil that had fallen from the desk and snapped it in half.
HOW'D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? SUCK IT.
"I think you should go. I have some revision to do."
DICK.
With that, the brilliant light rose and phased through the window, up into the night sky before disappearing into the endless blackness.
The next day.
"Ok. I can do this. Wait... what the hell? But... it was full battery... Um... Excuse me, sir? Sir? Could I get a spare calculator? Mine's out of battery.
"Sorry all the spares are taken. Just try your best. I'm sure you'll do fine without it."
"Oh... ok... That motherfucker..."
------
I dedicate this short story to a girl in my sixth form college psychology class that got an A on her final exam and put her success down to divine intervention on the part of Jehovah. Unironically.
The concept of an ominipotent interventionist god that helps out in exams and other somewhat trivial matters has always fascinated me because it really does require you to accept one of two facts. Either your omnipotent god is a massive arsehole that won't help out those actually in need but will help out some middle class student get by on their A-levels or your god isn't actually omnipotent and can ONLY help out on trivial things like A-levels. I mean there are more than two options there but I felt those two were the most interesting to explore in the form of a comedic short story/dialogue. I keep coming back to this format of basically only writing dialogue. I like to think it's because I take my inspiration from Roddy Doyle and Cormac McCarthy and that, by stripping down a story to simple bare details to set scenes and then presenting the interactions of characters in those scenes, I can create a flowing narrative that feels naturalistic and allows the reader to imagine and so involves the reader in the process of creating. Really it's because it's quicker and I can't be bothered to write down descriptive stuff because I'm lazy. Hope someone got something out of this.
