Soooo...
Miracles.
No.
Here's why:
Miracles are defined as "an event not ascribable to human power or the laws of nature and consequently attributed to a supernatural, especially divine, agency." So a miracle by definition is something that breaks the very laws of nature, something seemingly impossible, incredible, fantastical. The only thing capable of these feats is an omnipotent deity or supernatural force. The conversion of water to wine, walking on water, rising from the dead... pretty impressive. Personally I prefer Derren Brown but each to his own.
So why don't I believe in miracles? Well mostly because I don't ascribe to any particular religious belief (see other posts for why) so when I come across something that doesn't seem to make sense or have a logical cause then I don't just instantly say "[Insert appropriate deity/supernatural force here] has done this! Praise be to [him/her/it]!" I like to find out how and why the event has occurred.
Case in point (and one of the funniest stories in the entire world) the story of the "crying" trees in Frezno, California. A tree outside of a cathedral started to weep the tears of God himself (strange how they didn't say they were the tears of Allah or the tears of the Norse goddess Freyja just went straight for their own god...). People came from all over to bask in the glory of God's wonder. Crying trees. Pretty incredible huh? The one problem with this is that it wasn't actually tears. It was bug poop. Aphids were sucking the sap out of the tree and then pooping out a liquid-like substance that rained down due to the sheer number of the aphids. So people were travelling from all over to go and stand under a tree and get crapped on by aphids whilst calling out to God Almighty. In my opinion funny as Hell.
So how was it that people so easily believed that these were the tears of God? Well first off ignorance. These people didn't know about the aphids. This is perfectly excusable. They didn't know. Fair enough (although it does apparently happen every year and there were trees down the road that were also "crying" but anyway...) people can't be expected to know the reason for something they have never seen before (...every year...) but the way you react to something new is down to you as a person. Why didn't anyone question this? Well the second reason they believed this was a miracle is that they have never had to question anything in their entire lives. This is now just speculation but something tells me that they haven't ever had to think of anything for themselves. Parents, school, politicians and right the way through their lives the Good Book. They have been brought up to follow and at no point was questioning encouraged.
Now I don't see myself as some "free-spirit, man!" or some counter-culture guru who "knows the way things truly are" (I'm not that much of a dick). I am absolutely sure that I have been influenced by my parents and society and all the other various influences that can influence me but what I believe sets me apart from those who believed a tree was crying is that I would ask "Why is this tree crying?"
If I saw a tree crying I would not go "Wow. That's cool. God must have done that" I would find out exactly how plant-life had developed the ability to cry then I would probably offer it a tissue and tell it to pull itself together. My mind boggles that the first person that noticed this just accepted that this must be a miracle and didn't question it which brings me onto reason number kolme (3 in Finnish. Does that count as revision?): These people were looking for a miracle.
It's a sad fact that on this speck of rock and water, which is spinning round a massive (but not that massive in the general scheme of things) ball of nuclear fusion, not everyone is quite content. People are always looking for signs, especially from their chosen deity, because loneliness, for most, is a fate worse than death. In the TV series Vikings, a Northumbrian monk is kidnapped by vikings (surprise!) and contemplates the slaughter and sale into slavery of all his kinsmen. He calls out to God and asks why this has happened and why He won't answer his prayers, desperately looking for a sign that he is not alone because that would be so incredibly crushing.
(Rather cleverly, on the writers part, he hears a noise and then finds an owl has flown into the house. He says "Oh it's just an owl" but if he was a viking he would see this as a sign from the gods. Owl's have no meaning in his own religion and so it is dismissed as a coincidence...)
If you had a sign, anything at all, to show that you weren't alone in this gigantic infinite void we call the universe, how reassured would you be? To know that everything will be ok and you don't need to be scared anymore. Perhaps more importantly that you are right about the way the world works.
"Wait a minute" I hear you say "just because this one was poop doesn't invalidate all the other miracles!" and that's true but I can dismiss a fair few more miracles with only a single sentence.
Why did God perform this miracle?
"Jesus has appeared in my toast!" Why?
"The Virgin Mary has appeared to me on a cork!" Why?
The really stupid miracles where it's Jesus' face on some toast or his mum on a mouldy wall are simply pareidolia (Google it, I'm not doing everything for you...). Why would Jesus turn up on some toast? An omnipotent deity, that can literally create and destroy matter itself spends his time taking selfies with heated bread? Seriously? I kind of talked about this in the post I did on religious hypocrisy but if I was God I think malaria would come higher up on the list of "Stuff I should deal with" than imprinting my likeness with the help of electrical appliances onto wheat products. Anyone that actually believes that that's what God does is essentially insulting their one true deity.
Even the famous ones like turning water into wine and walking on water were (if they have been reported truthfully and accurately in that most inaccurate of books) stupid miracles. Very impressive tricks but it's not going to do much for tsunami victims.
These are just useless miracles, obviously they are stupid but what about when someone is saved from a natural disaster or survives a horrific car crash unscathed? What about when Jesus fed the 5000 or healed the sick? Well I think I can cast a shadow of doubt onto these miracles with one question too:
So God is selective?
Jesus feeds the 5000 but leaves all the other starving people in the world to go hungry? He cures one guys leprosy but doesn't actually eradicate it from the face of the planet? He heals SOME blind and lame people but still leaves open the possibility and opportunity for everyone else to go blind or lame?
This stumps the whole "All loving God" idea pretty good. He saves some guy from a car crash but the kid born with a hole in their heart doesn't get a look in. How loving.
At this point the devout believer in miracles desperately flicks though his papers and tries to find a miracle that can survive this barrage of questioning. They don't find one.
The only way out of this is to accept that their God cares more about toast selfies than dying children, accept that their God is not all-powerful or he isn't all-loving, accept that their God is selective and may well not love them or reject the existence of miracles. I suggest that the last one is the most comforting and doesn't impinge on God (as long as you can live with the whole "part of His plan" thing and that he isn't going to come and save you. You will have to save yourself or look to others for help).
So why doesn't God intervene? Well imagine that miracles are real, the laws of nature are putty in the hands of God. It would be terrifying. The laws of nature could change at any time. What if God decides to turn off gravity or walking on water becomes possible for everyone? What if it was more subtle like increasing the boiling temperature of water by 1 degree? How would you be able to live in this world of uncertainty? It would be utter chaos. But the world is not chaos it is strictly ordered. Why would God create such order and then 6000 years in (there are actually people that think the world is only 6000 years old which isn't actually far out. I mean they are only wrong by a few BILLION YEARS) just go "Screw it I want to walk on water" or "Crap, out of wine. Quick pass me the Evian"?
Miracles make no sense. It's non-sensical. It's bloody stupid.
So next time you see a story in the newspaper or hear of a miraculous occurrence, please stop and think to yourself "Could it just be bug poop?"
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