Boys Will Be Boys

What's one foolproof way to piss me off?

Ok so I get pissed off easily at a whole array of different things (I made a whole blog to contain them) but there is one thing that, without fail, will genuinely spark off a rage inside me that is almost unquenchable.

All you have to do is say "boys will be boys" in the context of commenting on sexual impropriety. Guaranteed, I'll start frothing at the mouth and string together sentences so full of profanity that they'll wither plants within a 5 metre radius. Why does this enrage me so? For a number of reasons which I shall now explore below. Do please enjoy what is sure to devolve into sentences so full of profanity that they'll wither plants within a 5 metre radius!

I feel I should explain some things about me. I am one of 4 children. I have 3 younger sisters. I was brought up in a really very liberal home, politically and socially. My parents did not stick slavishly to traditional gender roles, my mum returning to work after having myself and my sisters and my dad made full use of his paternity leave and would pick us up from preschool and school on occasion. I've seen my dad cry and be emotional and it was fine. It was normal. It was ok for me to cry and be emotional. I was encouraged to express my thoughts and emotions (some would argue this was a bad thing because it lead to me sullying the internet with my ill-informed opinions on this very blog but...). When it came to the topic of sex and gender and sexuality, my parents weren't any less liberal in their views. My parents ensured both myself and my sisters were well-informed. They answered our questions honestly and without bullshit. They gave us sex education material so we could investigate on our own from trusted sources. We were openly told that it was fine if we were gay or bi or trans or if we didn't know and wanted to talk about it. We had discussions and were allowed to air our opinions if something came up in the news. We were taught to respect ourselves and others.

I have a lot to thank my parents for but I'm realising more and more how different my childhood was to some people's in this regard and how lucky I truly am to have had that sort of upbringing. I attended a Sexology course a few years ago which really drove this home. It was an additional course and it was open to anyone in the poly-technic I attend, they didn't have to be from the Healthcare department. The course proved to be very popular and there were people from, literally, all over the world and from incredibly varied backgrounds. The course had some... controversial content depending on your opinions on sexual morality and ethics. Everything from abortion to feminism to the refutation of the gender binary. You can bet it got heated, although I must say that despite very passionate opinions and arguments being aired, it was still the most constructive and respectful discussions I've ever had the privilege of being a part of.

When discussing these various topics, I would bring up experiences from my own life and I quickly realised how different my childhood was. People were shocked that my dad took paternity leave. That my parents split household chores 50/50. Some people even found the idea that my dad usually was the one to cook our evening meals unusual (as if the most famous chef in the world wasn't Gordon Ramsey...). The course was held in English and my school has a large number of international students and so some cultural ideas of gender and sex seeped in but it wasn't just the more fundamentalist Christians from African countries that found my parent's dynamic odd. Even athiest and agnostic students from "developed", "tolerant" countries, students from "sexually liberated" Sweden and Finland, found the idea of my father actually wanting to spend time with his children and be emotionally available a bit weird. Even the "progressive" students that agreed with my parent's view on parenting and gender hadn't experienced their own parents being ok with, for example, their male children playing with dolls (I was given a baby doll when I was very young to "look after". I imaginatively named him after myself which is pretty narcissistic. Almost as narcissistic as writing a blog post all about your childhood and how great it was...).

So, why am I writing all this stuff about my childhood out? Honestly, because I've wanted to write about my experiences on that Sexology course and what I learned about myself and this post seemed related then kind of got away from me.

Let's go back a bit and get back on track.

I am one of 4 children. I have 3 younger sisters. I was brought up in a really very liberal home, politically and socially as I've explained in far too much detail. I was taught about respect and boundaries when it comes to sex. I was taught about consent, and I mean explicitly taught about consent. There was no bullshit, no dancing around topics. This stuff was and is important and my parents instilled in me that importance.

And that's why I loathe, with all my being, the phrase "boys will be boys".

What does that phrase mean in regards to sex? It means that boys, men, have no agency. They have no control. They have no choice. They're actions are already decided. They're blameless because "boys will be boys". They just can't help themselves. They're stupid. They're brutish. They don't even realise what they're doing. They just react to their impulses thoughtlessly.

FUCK THAT.

I am not a slobbering animal. I am not a sex-crazed monkey that doesn't know when to stop. I am not like that. I am personally offended by the use of that phrase. It lumps me in with the most sadistic rapists and abusers in history because "men are just like that".

No.

No they are not.

Men are not born abusers, they become them. They're taught that they are superior, that they are in control, that they can take what they like, that being sexually aggressive is normal and expected.

This not only insults and demeans men, women are taught subservience and encouraged to expect and accept violence against their persons. It's often combined with victim blaming.

"It was your fault you were raped because you wore that slutty top and BOYS WILL BE BOYS."
"You let yourself get that drunk while partying with a bunch of guys? What did you expect? BOYS WILL BE BOYS."
"Well of course he's going to slap your ass if you bend over like that. BOYS WILL BE BOYS."

It's despicable and wrong and disgusting and offensive against everyone. It's offensive against basic human dignity. And it's pervasive. The whole reason I'm writing this blog post is because of this article on the new accusations against Morgan Freeman:

https://www.theguardian.com/film/2018/may/24/morgan-freeman-sexual-harassment-accusations-claims-women?CMP=fb_gu

I'm not actually going to talk about Morgan Freeman or any of the allegations against him because, really, it wasn't this article that lead to me writing this blog post, it was the first comment on the Facebook link to this article. This is the comment in question, reproduced here, verbatim:

"Men behaving like men. So what? Let's stop the witch hunt now."

Boys will be boys. Sexual harassment is just what men do. So stop talking about it. Stop punishing those that abuse their positions. Stop punishing those that attack other people. Stop punishing those that harm others for their own selfish gain. Forget about it. Stop talking about it. Leave it alone.

Again: FUCK THAT.

This type of  behaviour is unacceptable. It's abhorrent and it needs to stop. It is not normal. These beliefs are dangerous, damaging and insulting to everyone. When all men are tarred this way, it legitimizes the actions of abusers and drowns out the voices of victims.

I hate "boys will be boys" and everything it means. I hate it with a passion.

And there are so many comments that echo the sentiment of "boys will be boys" on the internet and in the "real world". That even use this phrase jokingly.  People from all walks of life, hold this view.

The person that made that comment that sparked off this rage fueled blog post was a woman.

Don't say "boys will be boys". The next time someone tries this line of arguing punch them in the fa... No wait, don't do that, that was the anger talking. Challenge them on it. If they're male, ask them if they are a slobbering, disgusting, mindless animal with no boundaries, self-control or self-respect. If they're female, argue that, if "boys will be boys" that must mean they're boyfriends, fathers, brothers are all uncontrollable rapists. Show them the absurdity of this stupid phrase. Drag it into the sunlight and make them really look at what they're saying. Words matter and these words are filth. Purge them.

(This didn't actually get as profanity filled as I expected. It's almost like I have some self-control...)